Joke of the day

[Bratty]

[Blade]

Morning mate, what you doing up so early on a Sunday ????

[Bratty]

Bloody cats woke me up didn't get in till after 3am lol

[Blade]

I hope they have NOT been in Blade's room

[Bratty]

No mate that's all locked up like a shrine lol

[Blade]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I've never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

[Casper]

A fellow walks into the Govt Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The fellow says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says,
"Disabled in your country's service! Eish. Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The fellow is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 to 4, why don't you want me here until 10 o'clock?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.....

[Kwacky]

Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a Dublin bar

"Not Yew Tree again" says the barman.

[duke63]

[kiwikrasher]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman “I’ll have a pot of beer and a ham and cheese toasted sandwich”.
The barman is astonished, “You’re a duck and you can talk”
“Pretty clever for a barman, now how about that beer and sandwich, and give me a look at the newspaper”.
Every day for a week the duck orders the same, a beer a ham and cheese sandwich and sits at the bar reading the paper.
Eventually the barman asks the duck what he is doing in town.
The duck replies that he is doing the plastering on the houses across the road.
One day a bloke comes into the bar handing out pamphlets for the circus coming to town, the barman tells the circus owner about the talking duck, the owner says he’ll be interested in hiring him.
The following day the duck comes in for his beer and sandwich and the barman tells him about the job at the circus.
“Let me get this straight” says the duck, “you are talking about a circus with animals and clowns, trapeze artist with girls in little short dresses, the circus with the gigantic tent and all the caravans.
“Yep that’s the one, with the great big tent”. Says the barman
The duck looks at the barman and says,” If they have a tent and live in caravans, why the **** do they need a plasterer for”.

[Bratty]

[duke63]

"This is called a goal. The round thing is called a Ball. The ball goes IN the goal"

[D41]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman “I’ll have a pot of beer and a ham and cheese toasted sandwich”.
The barman is astonished, “You’re a duck and you can talk”
“Pretty clever for a barman, now how about that beer and sandwich, and give me a look at the newspaper”.
Every day for a week the duck orders the same, a beer a ham and cheese sandwich and sits at the bar reading the paper.
Eventually the barman asks the duck what he is doing in town.
The duck replies that he is doing the plastering on the houses across the road.
One day a bloke comes into the bar handing out pamphlets for the circus coming to town, the barman tells the circus owner about the talking duck, the owner says he’ll be interested in hiring him.
The following day the duck comes in for his beer and sandwich and the barman tells him about the job at the circus.
“Let me get this straight” says the duck, “you are talking about a circus with animals and clowns, trapeze artist with girls in little short dresses, the circus with the gigantic tent and all the caravans.
“Yep that’s the one, with the great big tent”. Says the barman
The duck looks at the barman and says,” If they have a tent and live in caravans, why the **** do they need a plasterer for”.

Errr....a bit old, innit??

[Monty]

Just walked into an book shop and asked for a book on UKIP the bloke said f@uk off, get out and don't come back!!l

I said yeah that's the one, do you have it hard back?

[duke63]

CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ;We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

The man said ;You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife

The agent said, ;Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home;.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ;I tried, but I can't kill my wife.

The agent said, ;You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.


'The gun was loaded with blanks' she said.

'So I had to kill him with the chair'.

[D41]

Like that!!

[kiwikrasher]

[duke63]

[D41]

How true.

[Kwacky]

I came home to find that the dog had eaten my entire James Bond collection.

I beat the Living Daylights out of him.