The joys of family arguments

[Kwacky]

Apologies for the rant, but I need to vent my spleen.

My parents divorced when I was 17. My dad found someone a couple of years later and they go married. My step-mum has 3 daughters, the eldest is a couple of weeks younger than me. I get on with the eldest and middle step daughter, I don't see the youngest, who is a bit of an oddball.

My dad has a habit of falling out with people and then refusing to try and make amends. He's disowned my elder sister years ago, before my parents split and about 8 years ago he had a falling out with my brother. In the last 4 years my brother has had to deal with testicular cancer and he's been gifted with a beautiful baby girl, who celebrated her 2nd birthday last weekend. No contact at all from my old man for either event. I told my dad about them but nothing.

Every Friday my dad picks my son (Alex, 9) and daughter (Georgina, 12) from school. This is his idea, we've never asked him to do it. My old man has been doing it for a few years and always seems to enjoy spending time with his grandchildren.

My step mum is nice enough. We've never bonded though. She's one of those classic middle class types who does loads of work for various charities and likes to be seen doing her thing in the community. I'm not having a pop, I think it's a great way to spend your time.

Over the last few weeks my dad has been moaning about his wife. She's got fibromyalgia, so has been spending loads of time in bed or resting. I've not seen her for months.

A few weeks ago step-mum proposed taking my two kids away for a week to a holiday camp. Great idea. It gives me and Mrs Kwacky a few days rest and not having to worry about child minders. It also means Mrs Kwacky can see her father without the kids. He's really not well.

Last Thursday I took my dad out for a meal. Nice meal, we had a chat about the world and life. It did strike me as odd that he seems to have had several disagreements with a few neighbours over the last few weeks, but I didn't think too much of it until the next day when things kicked off.

During the meal it turned out that my dad didn't know the full details of this holiday. Step mum had taken her middle daughter's daughter, Lola. Lola is a great kid and both of mine get on with her.

She had also taken another lad, Lucas. He's younger than Georgie but older than Alex. He's had a shit upbringing and he's borderline autistic. Alex and Georgie know him from school. They're not pals.

So you've got a retired old women with fibromyalgia looking after 4 young kids for a week.

In a one bedroom apartment.

My dad didn't know about the room, the extra child or that kid's requirements for his autism.

My son likes his sleep, he's in bed by 8 despite his age and he's up at 6.30am every morning. Georgie and Alex get on well and they look for each other.

Last Friday I'm home and my dad drops the kids off. My kids have both got faces on them. My old man looks angry.

I send the kids off to their rooms and tell them to unpack.

Now remember, my dad hasn't been away on holiday.

I ask him what's wrong.

According to dad, my son is rude, aggressive, a bully disrespectful, a fussy eater and ungrateful.

My daughter is bossy, rude, ignorant and argumentative.

Both of my kids failed to show any manners, both of them refused food, Georgie mothered Alex, Alex used his taekwondo to bully the other kids, both of them bullied Lucas, neither of them said thank you to their grandmother for the holiday and Georgie argued with her all the time.

That sounds nothing like my kids.

So I had a chat with both of them.

From their version of things, if they were offered food and said they didn't like it, they were told to go without.

All 4 kids were sent off to go swimming, on their own (Georgie at 12 is the oldest)
the two boys had to sleep in the living room on sofa beds, but my step mum stayed up until at least 11 every night - now I will concede that Alex can be stroppy when he's not had enough sleep.

Georgie was upset because she wasn't allowed to call home to find out how her granddad was - last she heard he was back in hospital.

Alex told me that they had been out in the car and Step mum pulled up outside of a sweet shop. Nanny told him he could buy some fudge, he said he didn't like fudge but would look in the shop. As he was talking he was getting out of the car, she sped off. he almost fell out.

I know my kids. I know when they're lying. Both of them were in tears when they were telling me about last week. It also turns out that when they got back to my dad's last week, he locked all 4 kids in the front room. He then listened to what they were saying and stormed in having another go at them, telling them they were rude and that they were "lucky to be here" (no idea what that means).

In the meantime we sent flowers and a card to my step mum to thank her for last week and to apologise if our children upset her. Nothing in response.

Having seen the way my dad has dumped by siblings I suspect I'm next on the list. He was due to have them one day this week but I was told that he can't face them after what they've done.

I'm lost for words. I'm not sure if he's being manipulated by his wife, if he's doing all he can to wipe out his history or if he's showing the early signs of dementia, which his old man had.

tl;dr - my old man thinks my kids are the spawn of satan

[Frankie]

Holy crap, I am feeling for your reading this, family!!!.
For what its worth, not knowing everyone involved, 1) You know your own kids - so the truth is likely to be from their mouths nobody else's 2) Your dads only going by what he has been told. 3) does she (you step mum) have some unknown agenda ?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS SHIT.... You have done what you can to build a bridge (regardless of who did what) if nobody can be grown up enough to meet you half way - sod em! You have your family unit, which is number one for everything, so as I said.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS.... leave you doors open, but don't get bent out of shape and upset over it. Keep on top of the kids and make sure they are not getting effected, they might not say anything, but I can tell you it will be playing on their minds, DO NOT let it mess up their self esteem.

Just my two pence worth

[Kwacky]

I made sure when I spoke to them on Friday that it was clear I wasn't judging them or having a go. All I wanted was their side of events.

Seeing how upset they both were suggests that they did nothing wrong. I spoke to them separately and they gave the same account and were equally upset.

I can read my kids and I know when they're lying.

They've had lots of hugs and I've told them that if they're telling me the truth I'll stand by them. They've seen me go in to bat for them in the past so they know I'll defend their corner if I think they're in the right.

[Perkles]

it sounds to me like the little break wasnt thought out properly and it was to much for your step mom to cope with.Ive told you before your kids are well brought up and well grounded you can tell just by talking to them
If it was me id ignore your dad and move on unless of course you need to defend the kids ,lifes to short try not to let it get at you

[Kwacky]

We've got enough to deal with with Sam's old man and the impact of that.

My dad is going away for 3 weeks from 11th Sept so I'll wait to see if he gets in touch with me when he's back.

Does my step mum have a motive? Well the house they live in is worth a decent price and they've recently sold her mother's house so there's cash about. She's got 3 daughters. My had has 3 kids. If she gets my dad to fall out with his children then she's doubling her childrens' share.

A few years ago my wife's car died. It needed a new clutch. My dad was going away and they've got two cars, so I asked if I could borrow one to use for work. I offered to pay for the insurance and to have the car cleaned afterwards. I was told no - it set a precedent and would mean that everyone would start asking to borrow a car. That's fair enough. Two weeks later eldest is over from France and she's swanning around in my dad's car, because he doesn't need it.

My dad had bought a house after he got divorced. That was sold to middle daughter at a discount so they didn't have to find a deposit.

Eldest daughter has had numerous cash handouts after her business failed and she struggled to establish herself in France.

Youngest daughter got pregnant when she was still a teen. Decided to keep it. Fair enough. They paid for her child to be looked after and her university fees so she could do her law degree. Fair play to her, she worked hard and is now a deputy head at a good school. She got married to a guy with a really good job and they had a kid. Issues arose when she announced she wasn't sure if her husband was the father or if it belonged to the bloke who got her up the duff with her first kid. Her eldest kid has been done for possession with intent to supply and her other kid has had a string of mental disorders requiring admission. Youngest daughter also has fibromyalgia.

I've had nothing and I ask for nothing. I'm not a money person.

But there are clearly rules for her side of the family which differ to those on my side.

[rocket]

Familys are CRAP its strange that they cause the most heartache and we have brush things under the carpet because they are family. i would not let anyone talk/treat me as my family have done however apparently cause its family they are allowed to do this.

I have little contact with my Dad and sometimes I'm great-full for that .....

[Rossgo]

Truely sorry to hear all this Kwacky. Your kids are your kids, you know them better than themselves at times (even if they won't admit it) you wiped their botties when they were younger [SMILING FACE WITH OPEN MOUTH AND SMILING EYES] .

Totally agree with Frankie life is far too short mate and your kids and Mrs Kwacky come first. If they want to play silly buggers then leave them to it!!

Bloody families!!

[duke63]

Is it possible to speak to your dad alone and without any reference to your step mum?

Just explain that you need to understand things? If he does have early signs of dementia it may explain a lot.

Your parents are and will always be just that. They are however only human and we all make mistakes in life. It took me many years to realise that they don't always do things the right way even when they might not realise the hurt they are causing.

And without wishing to be harsh or anything, one day they will no longer be here and then you cannot say or do anything to change the past.

[C00kiemonster]

My four penneth:

Your kids are very well behaved. We've spent a lot of time with your kids and they are well adjusted and fun. They also have good manners and aren't too fussy. They are not keeping perspective, step mum has got it all wrong and then given your old man an earful

Sounds to me like the setup of the break was all wrong and step mum and dad are now too old and fixed in their ways to cope with any kids frankly.

You need to keep contact with your parents, as has been said they will go at some point and you don't need regrets. I think it's one you put down to experience and change the time and when they see your kids. Perhaps with you and or Sam for a while.

Don't give them an excuse to lose contact, families can be a pain but one bad experience is hardly an excuse to cut ties. If they go quiet, turn up and visit.

Your better than them, absorb it and see what happens, if he does start ignoring you guys then question it and understand why. The time of them looking after your kids is over I think.

I think I'd let it go quiet and move on for a little while, then see.....

[Kwacky]

He's off on holiday from 11th Sept. I'll see if he gets in touch when he's back.

[kiwikrasher]

Feel for you Kwacky. My dad was married 3 times and I'm from the first. I've had similar issues with my Dad.

I've got to the point I see Dad on my own for a couple days max at a time.

Never acknowledges my kids birthdays but his last partners kids (never married but together 12 yrs before she died of a brain hemorrhage, would have been his fourth) get presents every year and visited regularly.

My sister in the states have given up on him, her and I are keep in close contact. Dad would struggle to know her 2 kids names.

I told my mother to feck off 3 yrs ago cause she was even worse. But I haven't had much to do with her since I was two.

I look after mine and family that want to be a part of that are very welcome. But I'm not chasing it or making all the effort anymore.

I reckon your Step mum had this grand holiday idea and when it didn't go exactly to her plan she cracked it. You know your kids. Glad you're supporting them and really do they need that influence in their life?? I've decided not.

[Kwacky]

I think you're right about things not going to plan. She's not really a child person. I don't mean that in a nasty way but you can tell she's not really comfortable around kids.

My dad does get very blinkered. He adopts an argument and refuses to believe there's another version. I was telling about the family holiday in France and how much we had enjoyed it. He's refusing to go to France ever again because he went to a restaurant and the staff were rude and he had to wait an hour to be served etc etc so all French are like that.

I know I can be an argumentative sod but I'll always listen to the other side and I'm happy to accept when I'm wrong.