Joke of the day

[Monty]

LOL!!!

Seriously....the prickish dude was like "Grandpa, how many times have I told you it's time to quit driving?"...The guy didn't even blink... "I just did". I cadged a ciggy off the lass on the right.

What a small world it is.

Freaky!

[Jack]

Hi Everyone, a very good friend of mine has bought tickets to fly to the Isle of Man to watch the senior race on Friday the 10th of June. The problem is, that he completely forgot that Friday is in fact, his wedding day. This is because he bought the tickets months ago, before agreeing to the wedding date. Now, he's asked me to post on his behalf, to see if anyone out there, is interested in getting married ?

[kiwikrasher]

[D41]

Doctor during prostate exam....."Can you feel that??"

Bloke......"Yep, sure can!!"

Doctor...."Look!! No hands!!"

Think about it.

[Monty]

The Balloonist

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f@cking fault."

[Monty]

[Monty]

[Monty]

[duke63]

[Monty]

Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland. " I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied. "Only 1-0?" Retorted the reporter. "Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!"

[kiwikrasher]

image.jpeg (36.74 KiB) Viewed 1629 times

[Kwacky]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[Monty]

[D41]

Oh....that gets my vote right there. Thanks Monty...you've converted me to her cause.

[Monty]

Yeah, you'd love her. To me she's the anti freaking Christ!

[D41]

She does kinda look like she'd be right at home running Treblinka, doesn't she??

[duke63]

Only in Wolverhampton.

[D41]

No, in Little Saigon too.

Don't ask how I know.....

[Monty]

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal!

[Blade]

Who picks up Guide Dog poo ???????