Joke of the day

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby kiwikrasher » 06 Oct 2018, 06:21

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Stonesie » 12 Oct 2018, 20:48

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What book? :D
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Stonesie » 13 Oct 2018, 13:07

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Monty » 13 Oct 2018, 21:28

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby D41 » 13 Oct 2018, 22:14

:D

"What's the minimum crew?"

"Oh...one, I suppose". (lol)
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Stonesie » 18 Oct 2018, 22:06

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Stonesie » 19 Oct 2018, 11:59

For the witch in a hurry...
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Cavetroll87 » 24 Oct 2018, 11:40

It snowed last night so here is a timeline of the following day:

8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman
8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead
8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... My children are taken by social services
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it's going to get worse.
Remember: If in Doubt use Full Throttle, It may not make the situation any better, But it will end the suspense...
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Kwacky » 24 Oct 2018, 11:47

and not a single snowflake reference?

4/10
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby C00kiemonster » 24 Oct 2018, 17:56

8:22 made me laugh :D
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby kiwikrasher » 25 Oct 2018, 11:34

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby D41 » 25 Oct 2018, 12:15

LOLZ!!

Is it a plum wine??
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby kiwikrasher » 30 Oct 2018, 23:59

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby D6Nutz » 04 Nov 2018, 12:38

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough - Mario Andretti
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Kwacky » 08 Nov 2018, 11:00

I've just been frog marched by security out of the local hospital

"stroke patients ward" means something else apparently.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Monty » 10 Nov 2018, 12:48

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby D41 » 10 Nov 2018, 15:04

The three things in life that guys love the most:

Beer.
Boobs.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby kiwikrasher » 13 Nov 2018, 13:21

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Happiness is not a destination. It is a way of life.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby duke63 » 16 Nov 2018, 21:27

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Re: Joke of the day

Postby duke63 » 22 Nov 2018, 22:18

:D
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