Joke of the day

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Norfolknchance
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Norfolknchance »

Its a service I provide
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Bratty »

Norfolknchance wrote:Its a service I provide
Lol
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Godzilla »

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Norfolknchance »

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?





















I don't know, I just fly the drone.


knicked from PB
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Norfolknchance »

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my p-e-c-k-e-r, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my p-e-c-k-e-r."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him.

As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem.

The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his p-e-c-k-e-r and examined him.

The doctor says, "Your p-e-c-k-e-r is gonna fall off and you are gonna die".

The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Deegee »

An American tourist in London decides to embrace his pioneer roots and skip his tour group to explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at one of the many pubs to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no Public Conveniences.
He's desperate to go after all those pints of lovely bitter. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says;

"Sorry sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American, who by now is walking cross legged and really desperate through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer;

"That was really decent of you Officer, ... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

(With apologies to Cookiemonster and his neighbours ;) )
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by dizzyw »

(rolf)
A good woman can make you feel strong, rejuvenated and ready to take on the world.... oh sorry.....thats beer....beer does that
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by dizzyw »

A few gems from Air Traffic Control

=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles ."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.

Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Norfolknchance »

David Moyes has just been signed up to UKIP

Apparently he's an expert in getting out of Europe.

There had to be one eventually
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Casper »

police dog.jpg
Africa is not for sissies!!!!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by duke63 »

:D
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Monty »

image.jpg
Monty™© MCMLXXII
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Bratty »

Haha
I get knocked down but i get up again.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Kwacky »

Mr Farage, bless him.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by duke63 »

Not having a dig at you, Monty and I'm not a fan of Farage, but it shows the depths politics ( and in particular the Tories and Labour and Libdems) have sunk to when the opposition Parties are unable to offer a different point of view ( probably because they don't even have one that stands up) but instead resort to trying to defame him and his Party which most likely even loses them more votes.

And the photo is a fake, this is the original.

Image
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Deegee »

There is a certain irony in a political smear campaign appearing in the Joke section...
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by dizzyw »

As sent to Ryanair:
Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing for the attention of your customer experience team. I am definitely a customer, and believe me, you didn’t fail in providing us with an experience.

My wife and I had booked to fly from Stansted on the Thursday 17th April, evening flight to Bratislava. After 2 hours of fun, fun, fun, stuck on the M25 doing 20 mph, we arrived at Stansted check in with just one hour until the flight. Knowing the strict Ryan Air policy on ‘luggage check in closes 40 mins before the flight’ as you are the Low Fare Taxi of The Skies, we went straight to the Ryan Air assistant and explained our plight. She said we were still within the time and all would be fine but we had to make the attendant at check in aware and he would assist from there.

We approached the attendant as instructed and explained. Unfortunately, in the main part due to him being a child, and forgetting to bring his mother to work, he heard only half of the words before his brain fell apart like a wet cake. He led us to the line for closing gates, advised we should wait and all would be ok. We stood patiently in the line for 20 minutes. We got to the front of the line and the lady, who we shall from this point refer to as Vacant, explained that she had literally just that second closed the flight and we had missed it. We complained that we had done as instructed and she said it was Child’s fault because he should have advised her that we were trying to board a closing flight, and that because he hadn’t told her it was therefore our fault we had missed the plane.

Confused by this process of blame apportioning, another check in clerk, who we shall refer to as Not That Bright, tried to blame us for not responding to the last call for the flight as we should have made ourselves known. I argued that the last call had not been made. Not That Bright then questioned Vacant on whether she had done a final call. Vacant did what she does best and looked, well,…… After establishing that the child had not informed Vacant we were here, and Vacant had forgotten to do a last call and that all of this was irreversible, and my fault, Not That Bright and Vacant conferred to agree this was not a problem they wished to deal with and told us to get in a very, very long line of very, very unhappy people at the quite wrongly titled ‘Customer Services Counter’ as it was in fact a Customer Shouting Desk. We complained and requested the attention of a manager.

Out came Colin, a man so angry all his hair had literally fallen out. He was so aggressive I can only assume he had accidentally inserted something sharp into somewhere private and been unable to remove it before he came to work. He was definitely a Middle Gimp. I know this as Vacant and Not That Bright were clearly quite scared of him, and he can’t have been a Big Cheese as he was talking directly to customers and we all know from The News that no-one in Big Cheese management at Ryan Air has ever seen, let alone spoken to, an actual customer.
Middle Gimp had clearly listened hard at Ryan Air Middle Gimp School, as he managed to take two perfectly calm and sane adults and in a matter of seconds reduce them to angry people considering violence.
‘Check in opens 3 hours before the flight’ He barked repeatedly as if it was the answer to every question in life. We tried to ask Middle Gimp direct questions about why it was necessary for us to miss the flight because the Child had forgotten to do his job, and Vacant had forgotten to do hers.

‘Why is this our fault, and why should we miss the flight because of errors Ryan Air staff have just admitted?.

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Do you acknowledge we have just cause for complaint as we tried to do the right thing and the only reason we are not on the plane is because of
communication failures between Ryan Air Staff?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘What colour are my trousers?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Do you think economic sanctions on Russia will diffuse the escalating situation in Ukraine?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Were Man Utd right to fire David Moyes?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘My tinkle is hurting, could you take a look if I promise not to tell anyone?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

Middle Gimp then conferred with Vacant and Not That Bright, and agreed that this was all our fault as we should have noticed that Child had made an error and we should have called the flight ourselves to assist Vacant in doing her job because she was clearly busy being, well,…… Middle Gimp then insisted we go to the Customer Shouting Desk, as he was definitely not going to do anything else. This was handy as the queue was very long so that by the time we would reach the front the plane would be half way to Bratislava and the problem would be solved.

We waited patiently in line as customer after customer stood at the desk to hear the same song;

‘No, no, I can’t do that, no, there are no Middle Gimps available, no, no, sorry, no, give me all your money’

We got to the Customer Shouting Desk and explained our plight to the lady there (who was actually very nice and clearly should not be working for Ryan Air as a result). She apologised but explained that Middle Gimp had finished being angry for the day and had returned to his padded cage, and that there were no other Middle Gimps around. We would have to book in to the flight for the next day and we would have to pay £110 each to change the ticket. When she tried to re-book the flight she said that the flight we had tried to get was actually delayed by 1 hour and still at the airport, and that what we should do is run to the gate with all our luggage, she would call through and they would check our bags into the hold at the gate. We ran as fast as we could, which is not very fast because I am fat, to security to do as instructed. When we got there, security advised us that because our flight should have left, even though it hadn’t, the ticket machine would not open the barrier for us and we would need to return to the Customer Shouting Desk.

We waited patiently in the very long queue yet again for about 40 minutes to discover the nice lady had also gone home now so we had to explain the whole thing again to a new lady that looked like all the joy had been removed from her life at birth. She recited the Ryan Air customer services song with a sterling level of apathy and dreariness, I am surprised she could muster the will just to breathe and stay alive.

‘No, no, I can’t do that, no, there are no Middle Gimps available, no, no, sorry, no, give me all your money’

She recited it with perfection, Middle Gimps across the world would have been in awe and the effectiveness of the techniques taught in Middle Gimp School. Seeing no other option but to hand over all our cash and come back the next morning we happily paid and got new flights.
As the new flight was at 6.25am in the morning we decided to get a hotel, we paid £79 for a room and got a taxi.

So, our customer experience was insightful and liberating. From the incompetent Child with a brain so full of girls and modifications he was planning for his mothers Vauxhall Corsa to make it better, he couldn’t actually listen or speak, through Vacant and Not That Bright who decided on reflection that anything they did wrong was our fault for not pointing it out to them, right through Middle Gimp who made a Tasmanian Devil look calm and Zen like, and the sad one, oh so sad, having every last drop of life sucked out of her by her chosen career at the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk. I very nearly jumped over the desk just to give her a cuddle and tell her everything would be alright if she could just muster the will to leave the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk and find a more fulfilling job, like being a North Korean hair dresser, or a parking attendant in Tower Hamlets, or in fact just resigning herself to a slow and uncomfortable death would have been indistinguishable from the current position and would require much less effort.

The net result of this ‘experience’ was;

New Flights – £220
Hotel £79
Taxi x 2 £50
World’s most expensive sandwich in the only hotel we could get £35
1 x significant breach of Tort Law, in my opinion, (2008 as quoted by Lord Atkin) by Ryan Air. Google it, it’s a cracking read about inconvenience, alarm, harm, and distress caused. It set the rules for who is liable when Middle Gimp, Vacant, Child, and Not That Bright ruin your holiday. I will leave you to decide the monetary value of this.
1 x Very angry and upset wife, in particular with Middle Gimp for being so unbelievably rude.
1 x Missing our wedding reception for my new Slovakian family (sorry, forgot to mention this nugget earlier) who all turned up from all over the country to see us, the new Mr and Mrs Lockley, for an event we were forced to miss, because Child and Vacant are clueless at best and Middle Gimp has anger management issues.

So, thank you Ryan Air for a comfortable and enjoyable experience. I have watched a program called The News so I fully expect this to land on the desk of the customer services team underneath the empty bottles, orange peel, and sandwich wrappers that you also file there. You treated us badly, you cost us money and made us miss our own wedding reception, through a display of incompetence I have not seen since Greece was allowed to have money and a cheque book.

I sincerely doubt you will do anything about this, compensate us, apologise, or even respond according to The News, so I have sent this recorded and sign for delivery to absolutely confirm my opinion of Ryan Air and that this letter has not been ‘lost in the post’
Regards

DJ Lockley (djlockley@hotmail.com)

P.S. Maybe Middle Gimp in particular, but Child, Not That Bright, and Vacant should purchase one of your reasonably priced tickets and go to Slovakia (assuming they were actually allowed on the plane unlike us). The Ryan Air employees there are smart, clever, bilingual, helpful, and polite, and they should in my opinion experience an example of how they should do their jobs. The Slovak staff could explain it to them, but they wouldn’t be able to understand it for them, so it may be a waste of time after all and akin to explaining a VAT return to a horse.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by D6 »

Should have got there on time.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by duke63 »

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by C00kiemonster »

:D
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